What made you stop being an addict?

Oh, and everyday I woke up tired 😫 I never slept early too. My mental health was nothing to write home about.

I so badly wanted to f*uk a girl, yet I was so shy of girls. I never wanted to meet anyone. I always wanted to hide behind the phone and text.

This was February 2019.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

Now I don't wait to be talked to before I respond. I talk when I think I'm supposed to.

Do I wake up everyday with lots of energy? No but that's because I have a health problem, which is a story for another day.

I got tired of always breaking the promises I made to myself.

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Now how do you quit your addiction?

So I'm still hanging on this lie.

Now I have the mental fortitude to face life's every day battles.

Why do men find women with bigger buttocks attractive?

Read that again ☝️

I didn't even start counting the days because I didn't really believe I would get this far.

A couple of months later I started hating it and regretting after every session. Yet, I couldn't stop.

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Is masturbation and p*rn bad?

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

But for me, I would say RUN away from it

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I remember I once did it in my classroom at dawn. I did it in the hospital's washrooms. I did it in the lab where I work; both daytime and midnight.

It took me days to finish watching them. Finally I decided to go to the washroom to do The Last Fap.

No self esteem. No confidence. No ambition. Just dreams.

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Now I know I have all the nice videos on my phone, the rest I don't have, are not nice. So I had to start watching them one after the other. Some of them were even 2 hours long but I made sure I watched every little bit of it.

Am I totally free? I don't know 😕

So I thought had unlocked a new potential in life. I was doing it even if I don't feel the urge. I forced the urge to come by watching pornography.

Why is (n-1)(n+1)=n^2-1?

Have I stopped seeing girls as sex objects? Not entirely, I still want to f*ck some of them.

I know some people masturbate and they don't have the problems I went through.

I did it in my room. I did it in my washroom. I did it in school in the washrooms.

How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?

Just keep trying

And I DID IT EVERYDAY

I started rubbing it and I liked how I was feeling so I kept on doing it faster and EUREKA, sperms came out of my dick.

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But how was I going to do it when everything I knew wasn't working? I didn't know

And I can also talk to them now.

I made sure I downloaded every video that was nice for me. This took almost the whole day.

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I went there early in the morning trying to watch a movie and I found the CD inside the video player so I decided to watch what was on it and that was the beginning of the life I never wanted.

I knew something had to be done about my wasting existence because if nothing changes, then nothing changes.

I remember sitting on the bed and smiling and that was when it hit me that I have successfully masturbated.

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I knew about masturbation but I didn't actually think of doing it but one day, on my bed when I was preparing to go to school I was watching pornography and something just came in mind; why don't you rob your dick with your hand?

I always wished they would sit inappropriately or the wind would blow up their dress so I can see things.

I secretly kept on watching and watching until I got 19. At this time, I had started feeling the urge to ejaculate as I was watching the pornography.

Why do people have polyamorous relationships?

The harder I tried, the worse it became. I could get angry with myself and go about 3 days without it but when I relapse, I can do 3 in a day. And the subsequent days; it's just me getting drowned in the rabbit hole.

There were times I was counting the days when I'm clean. But now I don't, because I got tired of counting and relapsing and starting all over again.

So all I had to do was to find a way to trick my dirty brain to think that p*rn isn't nice.

There were times I could go 3 months without watching p*rn or masturbating but somehow I always came back to it.

I saw every girl or woman as a sex object including kid girls. There was no way I would look at a woman and not think of f*cking her.

I did it in my administrator's office.

I went on my favourite site and started scrolling through my favourite categories; petite girls, sleeping girls, Japanese girls, Japanese mom, Japanese wife, massage, forced, in the bus, gangb*ng, Muslim girls, ebony, student and teacher, in the classroom, curvy, African, etc

It didn't feel great after ejaculating but hey, who cares about feelings?

Was quitting worth the effort? At least for my mental health, it's a billion times worth it.

RUN 🏃‍♂️ for your dear life

Around age 9 I discovered pornography through my uncle, he had left the CD in the video player in the night after enjoying himself.

I don't know if all addictions are like this 🤔

I did it while watching my sister. I did it while touching my sister 😭 I did it while watching my landlord's daughter.

I just finished watching the best of the best p*rn videos on the planet. Now there's nothing else to look for on p*rn sites again.

And these were just the act and not the mental and social problems associated with addiction.

All I knew was that, I couldn't masturbate without p*rn. I was first getting the urge to watch p*rn, while watching, I would now feel like masturbating.